For Adult Children of Immigrants: How to Set Boundaries with Parents (& How Therapy can Help)
Feeling stuck between family expectations and your personal needs? An Asian-American therapist explains why boundaries aren’t selfish, and how to communicate them in a way that your parents will understand.
Who are first-, 1.5, and second-generation immigrants?
“1st-generation immigrant” refers to people who were born in one country and then immigrated to another.
“1.5-generation immigrant” refers to individuals who immigrated as children.
“2nd-generation immigrant” refers to the children of first-generation immigrants.
They are born and raised in the new country, but have at least one parent who was born abroad.
Second-generation immigrants are also known as “adult children of immigrants.” They hold a unique bicultural or multicultural identity, as they navigate the values, traditions, and expectations of their parents’ homeland(s) and their country of residence.
What to know about first- and second-generation immigrants in California
According to Public Policy Institute of California’s 2025 report, California is home to 10.6 million immigrants – 22% of the foreign-born population nationwide.
In 2023, the most current year of data, 27% of California’s population was foreign born. This is a higher percentage than any other state in the U.S., and more than double the percentage of foreign-born individuals in the rest of the country (12%).
Almost half (45%) of California children have at least one immigrant parent.
The vast majority of California’s immigrants were born in Latin America (49%) or Asia (41%). The leading countries of origin are Mexico (3.8 million), the Philippines (821,136), China (795,450), India (574,498), and Vietnam (525,455).
Why is boundary-setting so hard in many immigrant families?
We’ve all heard the advice to “set boundaries and protect your peace.” But that’s not always so simple for adult children of immigrants. Here are some reasons why.
Collectivistic vs. individualistic values
Many immigrant families come from collectivist cultures, where the needs of the family system take precedence over individual desires.
This emphasis on family harmony and mutual obligation can make it feel “selfish” to establish personal boundaries – even though many second-generation immigrants grow up in individualistic cultures like the United States, where following your own path is encouraged.
What does it look like when cultural values clash between immigrant parents and their adult children?
Parents may feel they have a right to decide their child’s career path or future spouse.
An individual might be expected to cancel plans with friends to attend a family dinner. In many collectivist cultures, family events are non-negotiable.
Adult children of immigrants may be expected to financially support their parents and extended family members, without question.
Parentification
A common dynamic in immigrant households is parentification, where children take on adult responsibilities from a young age – usually out of necessity, and sometimes at the cost of their own development and well-being. These responsibilities can include:
translating for parents at appointments
navigating bureaucratic systems – filling out paperwork, making phone calls to government agencies, or handling communications with schools and landlords
managing finances
managing the family business
caring for younger siblings
acting as the emotional confidant, listening to a parent’s marital or emotional problems
When a child’s role is to serve the family’s needs, setting boundaries later in life can feel like abandoning those responsibilities and their core identity within the family.
Guilt & obligation
Immigrant parents often face incredible hardship to establish a new life in America, giving up everything to provide opportunities for the next generation.
Adult children of immigrants may feel a deep sense of debt to their parents for these sacrifices.
They may struggle to say no, prioritize their own needs, or go after what they really want, as it may feel like dishonoring their parents’ hard work.
Lack of shared definition of what boundaries are
Open communication about feelings and needs may not be a common practice in the family’s culture of origin. Additionally, the definition of boundaries varies across cultures, generations, and social contexts.
Adult children of immigrants may struggle to communicate their boundaries to their parents, as they don’t have a shared definition of this nuanced concept.
What seems like a reasonable boundary to an adult child of an immigrant may be confusing or not even register for their first-generation immigrant parent.
Fear of disappointing parents
Immigrant children tend to feel intense pressure to succeed and make their parents’ sacrifices “worth it.” Many report a fear of disappointing their parents and elders, and therefore hesitate to set boundaries that might conflict with family expectations.
Adult children of immigrants can become so focused on fulfilling their family’s expectations that they forget to address their own needs and desires.
Boundaries aren’t selfish — they’re a way to create a more sustainable life & stronger relationships.
How do I set boundaries with my immigrant parents?
Here’s the thing: though we may have been taught to believe that “boundaries are selfish,” healthy boundaries are not about hurting or punishing anyone.
They’re about creating a space for mutual respect, love, and connection – in a way that works for you, and not just for everyone else.
While each situation is different, here are some tips that might help you set boundaries with your immigrant parents. Consider which ones feel most helpful for you and your situation.
Reflect on your needs
Before you can effectively set boundaries, you must first understand what you need. Take time to reflect on your emotional, physical, and mental limits.
In the last month, which situations made you feel comfortable? Which situations left you feeling drained, overwhelmed, or resentful?
If you feel resentful every time your parents ask you for money, reflect on what a comfortable financial boundary would look like for you.
You might feel exhausted from constant family obligations. If you’re always on call for family errands, maybe you need a few evenings a week completely to yourself.
You may feel frustrated when your parents ask personal questions about your relationships, or judge your life decisions. You might set an emotional boundary by saying, “I’m not comfortable talking about my personal life right now, but I appreciate your care.”
Have open conversations
Communicate your needs clearly and calmly, when your parents seem receptive to a conversation. Write a script beforehand if you need to.
Use “I” statements to express how certain actions affect you – “I feel sad when X happens; I feel tired when you tell me Y.” This allows you to make your point, without sounding like you’re placing blame on your parents (which can lead to defensiveness, and derail the conversation).
Instead of, "You’re always going through my things and you don’t respect my privacy," you could say, "I feel uncomfortable when my room is tidied without me knowing. I would really appreciate it if you could let me know before you come in."
Instead of, "You can’t just show up whenever you want," you could say, "I feel stressed when I have unannounced visitors. I’d love to see you, but it would be so helpful if you could call me first to make sure I’m home and available."
Acknowledge the cultural context of your parents’ expectations
It may be helpful to remember that your parents’ expectations are rooted in their cultural values and their hope for your best future – they’re usually not coming from a malicious place.
When setting boundaries with your parents, let them know that you’re not rejecting their values. Instead, you’re ensuring your well-being and strengthening your connection with them. Make it clear that your need for boundaries is not a sign of disrespect, but rather a way forward that is more sustainable for you and your relationships.
If your parents expect you to become a doctor but you want to pursue a different career, you could say, “I know you want the best for me and that you see a stable career as the most important thing. I believe I can be successful and happy in my own way, and I hope you can support me in that. My dream is to become a [your dream here], and I know I can honor your sacrifices by pursuing a career that fulfills me.”
Start small
Begin with minor boundaries and gradually introduce bigger ones. Sudden, drastic changes may lead to confusion, resistance, and hurt feelings.
If you’re not ready for a face-to-face conversation, you could send a text like, "I’m having a busy day, but I’ll call you back later this evening." This sets a small boundary around your availability without the pressure of a direct conversation.
Focus on being patient and consistent, so your family can slowly adjust to your requests.
(And if you need help navigating the boundary-setting process, consider working with a therapist who specializes in adult children of immigrants, who can support you through every step.)
Practice self-care & nervous system regulation
The process of setting boundaries – and continually reinforcing them if they’re challenged – can be emotionally and physically draining.
Be sure to prioritize your well-being, so you can continue to have these important conversations without burning out.
Journal about your feelings.
Practice grounding techniques, like splashing water on your face, listening to your favorite song, or smelling an essential oil. These are ways to feel present and connected to yourself, even if your nervous system becomes dysregulated while engaging with difficult family members.
Seek support from friends, family members who have gone through the same boundary-setting process, or a therapist who works with adult children of immigrants.
How therapy can help adult children of immigrants
You don’t have to do this alone. Working with a therapist, you can:
learn to draw boundaries for the first time (even if your parents don’t understand what boundaries are)
listen to your needs without bargaining with yourself
create a sustainable self-care plan
have a safe space to process experiences – regarding family, relationships, work, school, and more – that you don’t feel comfortable talking about anywhere else
Therapy is a maintenance for your mind on a weekly basis. Since boundary-setting is an ongoing process – not a one-and-done task – working with a therapist over several weeks or months can provide the consistent support you need to make lasting changes and achieve your goals.
IN SUMMARY…
In many immigrant families, boundary-setting is hard for a number of reasons.
Differences in cultural values between generations
Parentification
Guilt & obligation
Lack of shared definition of what boundaries are
Fear of disappointing parents
To set boundaries with your immigrant parents, consider any of the following ideas:
Reflect on your needs
Have open conversations
Acknowledge the cultural context of your parents’ expectations
Start small
Practice self-care & nervous system regulation
Seek support from friends, family members who have gone through a similar process, or a therapist
Looking for a culturally-sensitive therapist who specializes in supporting adult children of immigrants?
Take the first step toward setting boundaries & breaking free from the cycles that hold you back.
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About the Author
Christine Wong (MA, LMFT) is a licensed therapist and strategic coach. She specializes in supporting adult children of immigrants, families, and athletes navigating burnout, grief, and trauma. Her services are available online in Los Angeles, California and worldwide.
Trained in multiple mind-body healing modalities, Christine helps clients believe in their own worthiness and reach their full potential. Click here to book a consultation to work with her.